Can Exes Be Lovers Then "Friends"?
I can count the amount of serious relationships I’ve had in my life on three fingers.
One ended rather tumultuously, one ended begrudgingly, and the last one is one I’m currently in. I never wanted the second one to end, marriage was on the table, and it was one of those things where the longer it went on, the more I realized ultimately, a long-distance relationship wouldn’t work. Suffice to say, closure was required for me to truly move forward.
I visited him one summer a few years later and received my final “what” to the question of why we couldn’t be together. We were different people now. My mind and heart were somewhere else (with my current love) and finally free from the idea of my ex to fully give myself to the new relationship that I was halfway in and halfway out of.
My ex and I could be friends.
“Friends” is an interesting concept though, and one I haven’t quite mastered in opposite-sex platonic friendships. He was no different. He’d pop up in my requests and I’d feel obligated to “accept” (even though I might have deleted him a few times in the past) because I had to show that I was over it and him, and ready to move forward as friends. A year passed and he got bolder, hitting me up in regards to feeling dissatisfied in his new relationship. I rolled my eyes. I’ve never fallen victim to that weak ass attempt at game and wasn’t going to start that day, especially because I was in a relationship with someone I cared deeply for and was happy with.
I listened to his complaints, learned that they were celibate based off of her requirements, and that it was something he struggled with because sex was important to him and how he “felt love”. Again, I rolled my eyes. I inquired with him about why he hadn’t had any of these discussions with her? The relationship I was in taught me to be open and communicative, and if I had an issue, that my partner would walk through it with me to come to a mutually agreeable solution. We wouldn't seek outside sources to solve internal issues.
So, I suggested he do the same. He countered that he had in the past and she wasn’t comfortable with it. I said, “Well, she doesn’t owe you her body. She was celibate when you met, either marry her, support her and her beliefs in the relationship, or leave the situation.” I tried to be a friend. He proceeded to try to take it somewhere sexual, with the inclusion of photos. I ended the conversation.
I kid you not, two weeks later, while scrolling my timeline on FB, I see that he popped the question on bended knee while at a church function with her. I could do nothing but laugh. It once again confirmed my thoughts that he was a completely different person than who I once knew and loved. I felt kind of bad about the image she had of her husband-to-be that wasn’t necessarily true to life. I realized I wasn’t being true to life then either and decided to just remove myself and unfollow him on IG and unfriend him on FB to wish them well from a distance.
I learned they married at the top of the year from a mutual friend, but other than that, didn’t learn or hear any new updates. I did however, receive a message 10 months later – a familiar, yet contrived, “Hey, how you doing?”
I decided it was okay to accept his request again, to say hello, to congratulate him on his nuptials personally, and to answer his questions about my life to tell him how well I was doing. Somehow we got to a place in the conversation where he said to me, “I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to start over with you.”
“Really? Why?” Genuinely curious.
“I’ve just always wanted to know. If this doesn’t work out, and I’m not making any promises, but I’d like to see what happens if we could start over.”
Lucky me, I get to be Plan B...
...Read my essay in full at Pose Mannequin by clicking here.
What do you think about being friends or even accepting friend requests from your exes?