Mid-July, I spoke to sexuality doula and writer/blogger Ev'Yan Whitney about her and her husband's nontraditional non-monogamous approach to marriage. This isn't my first interaction with her, as I've felt a particular connection to her ever since reading her personal style blog years ago entitled Apricot Tea. She's since evolved to her new online resource on sexuality and sensuality called Sex, Love, and Liberation. I enjoy reading her stories about sexual exploration because she is so open and expressive. I connected with her once a couple of years ago for a feature on this blog. But this time, the connection was made via phone, and I found her even more alluring if possible.
We spoke about a lot of things, and you can read that article here, but we ended our conversation with a personal question from me. I am always interested in how women define their sexual liberation. It could be their choice to abstain until marriage, it could be being nude, it could be engaging in casual sex, etc. With her, I wanted to know how she would tell a woman who is unsure about how to tap into that how to go about discovering that side of them and what sexual liberation means to them.
Here's what Ev'Yan told me about how to begin your sexual liberation journey:
- "Know your body - and not just your arms and your legs - know your genitals. Know your anatomy.
- "Ask yourself who you want to be as a sexually liberated woman and what sexual liberation means to you. Ask yourself about what parts of your sexuality need to be healed and what parts are awesome and that you're already in love with.
- "Read books that are sex positive that help you to know your anatomy and help you to understand what sexual liberation is.
- "Challenge your ideas of what sex positivity looks like to you. Maybe that means non-monogamy, maybe it deals with your sexual orientation.
- "Be curious. Don't take anything for face value. Don't read Cosmo articles and think that, 'Wow, that works for me'. Actually be inquisitive about what works for you, what you like, what you don't like, and why you do or don't like it. Give yourself space to explore that."
As a woman who owns her sexuality and sensuality without apology, Ev'Yan's words are points I readily connect with. Over the years, as my yearning for friction has made me relinquish embracing my sexuality with as much recklessness as I once had, they are lessons that I have applied in one way or another. Number 2 resonates with me most because I think, even now, people confuse my form of liberation as promiscuity, when in fact, it's just as selective, if not more. If I choose to abstain, I do. If I choose to partake, I do. But I am always conscious of who I share my body with and how I go about opening myself in that way, especially as it aligns with my boundaries.
Liberate yourself in whatever way best suits your needs and what you want from life and love. I'm just as liberated when I have sex regularly as I am when it's been a minute. Get some.